http://satorination.com/How-to-Be-an-Adult-in-Relationships
"Most people think of love as a feeling," says David Richo, "but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." In this book, Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships - one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person. Drawing on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness,How to Be an Adult in Relationships explores five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships throughout life:
1. Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.
2. Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.
3. Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.
4. Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.
5. Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.
When deeply understood and applied, these five simple concepts - what Richo calls the five A's -form the basis of mature love. They help us to move away from judgment, fear, and blame to a position of openness, compassion, and realism about life and relationships. By giving and receiving these five A's, relationships become deeper and more meaningful, and they become a ground for personal transformation.
Even though the title begin with "How to" this is not a self-help book. David Richo discusses what love is: giving attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing - the five A's as he calls it. The book is valuable as a piece of literature, as a philosophical and psychological work.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The Five Things We Cannot Change
http://satorination.com/The-Five-Things-We-Cannot-Change
Why is it that despite our best efforts, many of us remain fundamentally unhappy and unfulfilled in our lives? In this provocative and inspiring book, David Richo distills thirty years of experience as a therapist to explain the underlying roots of unhappiness—and the surprising secret to finding freedom and fulfillment.
There are certain facts of life that we cannot change - the unavoidable "givens" of human existence:
1. Everything changes - nothing last forever.
Everything ends, every beginning is the start of an end. Relationships end, people die. Seasons turn, things change. Get used to it. Learn to let go gracefully, change and grow yourself.
2. Things do not always go according to plan
The best laid plans often go astray. No plan survives contact with reality. Adapt, improvise, flex, adjust your sails, innovate. Things turn out best for those who make the best of how things turn out. Plans are useless but planning is invaluable.
3. Life is not always fair
Some serious wrongs cry out to be righted but many more are best dealt with by moving on and not getting ensnared in a negative energy cycle.
4. Pain is part of life
There is a cost to everything and suffering may be part of that cost. Pain is not necessarily punishment and pleasure is not necessarily a reward. Pain can be a source of tremendous personal growth. But there is no need to seek out pain to speed your growth. Life will send you your proper measure!
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time
We are social, gregarious creatures. We depend on each other. But people are human and inevitably let us down. Our work as healthy adults is to feel this fear of betrayal and abandonment and deal with it, embrace it, learn from it, grow beyond it, NOT run from the fear. Running only strengthens fear.
FACE:
F--Fear: I am afraid I cannot survive if I am not loved, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
A--Attachment: I am attached to a very specific version of how things should be, of what life owes me, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
C--Control: I feel the need to control others' reactions to me and interactions with me, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
E--Entitlement: I believe I am entitled to love and loyalty from everyone, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
Solution: Acknowledging and accepting, moving beyond what you can't change to the inner work of what you can change: Yourself.
Richo shows us that by dropping our deep-seated resistance to these givens, we can find liberation and discover the true richness that life has to offer. Blending Western psychology and Eastern spirituality, including practical exercises, Richo shows us how to open up to our lives - including to what is frightening, painful, or disappointing - and discover our greatest gifts.
Why is it that despite our best efforts, many of us remain fundamentally unhappy and unfulfilled in our lives? In this provocative and inspiring book, David Richo distills thirty years of experience as a therapist to explain the underlying roots of unhappiness—and the surprising secret to finding freedom and fulfillment.
There are certain facts of life that we cannot change - the unavoidable "givens" of human existence:
1. Everything changes - nothing last forever.
Everything ends, every beginning is the start of an end. Relationships end, people die. Seasons turn, things change. Get used to it. Learn to let go gracefully, change and grow yourself.
2. Things do not always go according to plan
The best laid plans often go astray. No plan survives contact with reality. Adapt, improvise, flex, adjust your sails, innovate. Things turn out best for those who make the best of how things turn out. Plans are useless but planning is invaluable.
3. Life is not always fair
Some serious wrongs cry out to be righted but many more are best dealt with by moving on and not getting ensnared in a negative energy cycle.
4. Pain is part of life
There is a cost to everything and suffering may be part of that cost. Pain is not necessarily punishment and pleasure is not necessarily a reward. Pain can be a source of tremendous personal growth. But there is no need to seek out pain to speed your growth. Life will send you your proper measure!
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time
We are social, gregarious creatures. We depend on each other. But people are human and inevitably let us down. Our work as healthy adults is to feel this fear of betrayal and abandonment and deal with it, embrace it, learn from it, grow beyond it, NOT run from the fear. Running only strengthens fear.
FACE:
F--Fear: I am afraid I cannot survive if I am not loved, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
A--Attachment: I am attached to a very specific version of how things should be, of what life owes me, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
C--Control: I feel the need to control others' reactions to me and interactions with me, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
E--Entitlement: I believe I am entitled to love and loyalty from everyone, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
Solution: Acknowledging and accepting, moving beyond what you can't change to the inner work of what you can change: Yourself.
Richo shows us that by dropping our deep-seated resistance to these givens, we can find liberation and discover the true richness that life has to offer. Blending Western psychology and Eastern spirituality, including practical exercises, Richo shows us how to open up to our lives - including to what is frightening, painful, or disappointing - and discover our greatest gifts.
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